Gmail Chat May 26 – edited

This is a “cleaned-up” version of the Gmail chat on May 26, with punctuation and spelling fixed to hopefully make it more readable.

Travis: I don’t want bull shiz that neither one of us believe. Just call me and tell me I want to hear it because I feel it will be the first pure truth you’ve ever told me.
Jodi: This is difficult. It will only piss you off even more.
Travis: Why?
Jodi: Because sometimes the truth suck!
Travis: Call. Jodi: Call you? Travis: Yes. And tell me. Jodi: Right now? Travis: Yes. Jodi: Deal
Travis: But say it. Right. Right. Right. Hello. Jodi? Jodi: I’m here. Travis: Right. Jodi: Right.
Travis: So lets quit with the bull shiz.
Jodi: Ok.
Travis: All of that talk has happened many times and it has never changed anything so let’s quit with it. You are not sorry. I’m okay with that if you’ll admit it. It should be liberating to you. So tell me the truth. Tell me that you are not sorry.
Jodi: I can’t just say it as a blanket statement like that. It’s too convoluted. It’s not black and white.
Travis: Okay well say it with details. What is your point?
Jodi: My point is that all of the things you said when you were playing the tough Travis are true.
Travis: I know they are.
Jodi: So there is really no point in me continuing to breathe. And that’s not a poor-me cry for sympathy.
Travis: Listen, we’ve been over this. Might as well just give it up, okay?
Jodi: Ok.
Travis: So are we done with all the pretences. No more faking, no more faking like I’m through with you.
Jodi: Travis, in the most non-pretentious way, you are like an angel that gets snared by my evil influences. But I, too, am like an angel that gets ensnared by evil influences. And along I come, looking like an angel, speaking sweetly, acting nicely, pleasing you in ways you had only fantasized and of course it’s easy to get caught up in that.
Travis: Well? It will save us a lot of time and energy. You are not sorry so quit apologizing and that way I can quit forgiving. Deal.
Jodi: umm… ok? I just don’t want you to be miserable anymore.
Travis: You don’t care Jodi.
Jodi: I only contribute to the misery factor in your life.
Travis: Just stop. It’s ok. I serve a purpose of yours. Whatever it is that’s fine.
Jodi: Then what do you want me to say? Whatever the purpose is, I don’t understand it. I’ve tried to figure it out. It’s not marriage, it’s not sex.
Travis: I thought I might break away this time but you knew I couldn’t.
Jodi: I’ve proven that it’s not friendship. Violated that one plenty of times. I don’t ever dare to hope for that at this point.
Travis: You knew one call and you’d reel me in. You don’t care Jodi. Just say this “I’m not sorry”. I’m not saying it’s friendship. It is what it is. No reason to label it. Let’s just quit with it all.If you want to sneak around just tell me what you want and I’ll give it to you, you’ll get it anyway. Then I’ll yell and then forgive. Why go through all that. It was the email and everything as true as it was, was my way of getting you closer because I am addicted. You are ruining my life but I’m addicted. So that’s fine, ruin it. But let’s not hide behind the facade, just do what you intend to do. I am going to quit acting tough. You know it’s my own façade. Anyway. So I’ll quit with mine now you quit with yours.
Jodi: Honestly, aside from what I wanted to say, it was me that wanted to hear your voice just once. It’s like a little fix. You’re not the only one addicted.
Travis: Well let’s just ruin each others life then. I don’t care anymore. If you want my freaking passwords just ask.
Jodi: Because I’m horrible.
Travis: What ever you may have found it wasnt bad enough to deter you from whatever your purpose is so who freaking cares. I’m just tired of all of this. It’s killing me. Seriously I can’t stand it. I can’t keep up with this cycle. So let’s cut out the act. So there. It’s out. Let’s just quit with the pretense. I tried to stay away this time.
Jodi: No. I don’t want to hurt you anymore. Bless you for your forgiveness, but you deserve better, and I don’t deserve you.
Travis: But you called. And you made sure I heard your voice. You knew that would be enough. Not how many infractions. It’s obvious by anyone’s reason that I should have never have anything to do with you. You just kill me. Every time. And I keep taking you back. I have come to terms with it. I am in partial addicted to you. The positives. If all you were is positive or your good facade that is in fact an act. I’m addicted to it, but it’s bull shit.
Jodi: Well there aren’t any positives left now, so you won’t be addicted much longer.
Travis: Yet I’m addicted to it, and you know it, and you know I will take you back, and always know, you know I’ll get pissed but I’ll take you back. You know if you just equal the drama with my anger I’ll take you back and that’s why you don’t hesitate to keep on ruining me.
Jodi: I wish I were better.
Travis: Because you know you can and you’ll get away with it, you know it.
Jodi: I don’t want to.
Travis: Okay Jodi you win, I’m addicted. I know how this is gonna unfold already, I’m gonna forgive you and you are gonna do it again, I know that and I am gonna forgive you and you are gonna do it again, I know it. Why can’t you reward me for trusting in you over and over again?
Jodi: Because there is no excuse for me to be alive.
Travis: I want a real answer.
Jodi: I don’t deserve any rewards.
Travis: You don’t. I want a real answer.
Jodi: I don’t have an answer. I really am awful. Truly. Can’t you agree that that’s the truest thing I’ve typed thus far?
Travis: Please Jodi. Why. What was your reasoning. Why did you try to cover it up after I told you I knew. Why do you always lie. This isn’t fair to me. Please don’t you see the pattern. You do something to make any sane person shun you. What do I do I forgive you. I lash you and forgive. Then you do it again. I talk tough and forgive You do it again. I talk tougher and still forgive. This has happened about 30 times. That’s how many times you’ve been caught.
Jodi: Just because I’m not whoring around doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t act any different. I need to keep myself out of that situation. Which of course isn’t a problem at this point.
Travis: So have messed around with anyone else?
Jodi: You’re the last person I’ve ever been intimate with.
Travis: But you’d like to with someone else wouldn’t you?
Jodi: My sex drive is gone.
Travis: I doubt that.
Jodi: I haven’t dittled myself once since I moved here except for the times when we were on the phone and we did it together.
Travis: Well it didn’t seem to be a problem on the phone.
Jodi: Of course not. That’s the effect you have. Nobody else can do that. Absolute kryptonite. I don’t want to be a whore. I could joke that if being a whore for Travis is wrong then I don’t wanna be right. But this isn’t the time for jokes. I’ve been a bad influence.
Travis: Like I said I’m not mad about that.
Jodi: I know Travis.
Travis: Why did you get in my facebook after all of these times I have forgiven you?
Jodi: Because I suck. The sexual part for me was an unevolved way of trying to be more loved. I knew you weren’t in love with me. I knew you cared, but that it wasn’t that kind of love. So when we made love, I was able to actually convince myself, yes lie to myself. It really felt for that space of time that it was something bigger and better. But that’s the intoxication felt from sex. And you made it so good. You became another person. It’s like you nearly worshipped me. I felt sooo so so loved when we did that. It became absolutely addicting. But you weren’t just a piece of meat. Either way, that doesn’t speak for the way I’ve treated you outside of your bedroom.
Travis: No I’ll admit you were noble in the sack. But it’s because it served you to be.
Jodi: I know. The better I was, the more you wanted me, and the more you wanted me, the more we got to be together. I was a whore for you because I was whore for that feeling. I was whore in general and I still am.
Travis: And you like being a whore unless you could get something sexual from me but outside of that nothing else about is worth anything to you. And how do I know because your actions speak it loud and clear, and you have nothing to say in reply.
Jodi: Everything I feel moved to say wouldn’t hold an ounce of weight with you. But what I was going to say is this. So I guess that means that at the core I’m not sorry. But I still struggle with guilt and regret over it.
Travis: You are not sorry for invading my privacy either. But at least I know what my value to you is and it’s not much more than that. I was a source of pleasure. That’s it, nothing else. At the core I don’t think you care if I live or die, I really don’t. The pain you have caused is worse than death. At times I thought you were something that you were not. You scammed me and you knew you were scamming me. I think you would choose a dollar bill over my life. It’s the other stuff that is blatant lies that I have a problem with. You are not sorry. You know you are not. So why say it. You know you are not sorry. If I was there you’d prove how not sorry you are. So let’s just leave it at that.
Jodi: If you were here, I don’t know. But you’re not here and I’m not there, and we’re behaving ourselves. I get so caught up in wanting to do the right thing. And then when you come around I want to do a different version of the “right thing” and it may be a two-way street, but I. Nevermind. We shouldn’t even be discussing this. I don’t know what else to say.
Travis: Say you are not sorry for it.
Jodi: Part of me is glad that we did that. Is it wrong to feel that way? Don’t answer.
Travis: I don’t know.
Jodi: It is.
Travis: But you are not sorry. I know you are not.
Jodi: It is a struggle inside of me. I want to take the high road, but the selfish part of me wants to take you and if you were here and the opportunity presented itself then I most likely would.
Travis: I think you are just demented and somehow thought taking from me somehow benefit you.
Jodi: Speaking of taking..
Travis: I think I was little more than a dildo with a heartbeat to you.
Jodi: ..I would have been content just cuddling, but I wasn’t strong enough.
Jodi: Again I am so sorry for that. I was way overcome.
Travis: No you’re not.
Jodi: It was wrong.
Travis: I know your not. I ask that you not lie. You are not sorry, you’re not. I don’t ask that you be sorry, I ask that you don’t lie. You’re not sorry and I don’t care. I’m okay with you not being sorry about that. It’s me too.
Jodi: Yeah, but it was more me. I should’ve been better.
Travis: Then why. Why did you try to ruin me. Why. Just tell me why. You aren’t who you say you are. So tell me why. Even now you only talk but your actions show that you hate me. Even right now.
Jodi: I don’t know what you mean by ruin you? I would never deliberately set out to do that. I was bitter, yes, but I tried to be a big girl in other ways: by lending you my few hundred dollars when your re-fi depended on it, by giving you a membership that would have taken me out of chargebacks, by devoting time to pushing through those last few counters at the last hours of the month so you would qualify. It was an endless struggle. I was resentful for other things, but I’ve always wanted you to succeed. I haven’t deliberately set out to try and ruin you. I am so sorry for what I’ve done. Those nice things listed above don’t even begin to add up to counter balance the horrible things I’ve done. It should have all been different. It’s my fault. I am 100% responsible for this.
Travis: You did those things to reel me in. It was about you. Why did you manipulate me into loving you? Why me? I was a good guy. Why did you have to do it to me. Why do you hate me? What was your objective?
Jodi: There have been times when you’ve screamed into the phone so loud at me that the speaker was distorted and then you hung up. The pain was so sharp and so deep that I just couldn’t process it. I could only scream in response to the air. And I would scream at the top of my lungs until my throat was raw, “I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!” Until I had no energy left to say it and it had wittled down to a little whimp, “…I hate you…” And I just sobbed and cried until I couldn’t breathe. But you know what? I deserved all of that. Every angry phone call. Every unpleasant word.
Travis: What was the point?
Jodi: Doesn’t compare to what I’ve put you through. It doesn’t begin to measure up. I’ve done you more wrong and that is apparent without even keeping score.
Travis: You only showed that you hated me. Never love. Only hate. Your words were lies.
Jodi: I did try, but I didn’t try hard enough.
Travis: Your actions were truths. No. You didn’t try. What you did to me wasn’t trying to love. It was succeeding to hate. Can’t you just tell the truth. Please.
Jodi: Yes, I just became so resentful. It was all very selfish. An act to try to protect myself from the pain but it didn’t work. I didn’t want to hurt you either. I am so sorry.
Travis: So many times I have stared you in the eye and said if you ever had any love for me you’ll tell me truth right now and you’d look straight into my eyes and lie and I knew it.
Jodi: If it was unconditional love, it would have never hurt you. I’m just not worth it. I’m not. You have so many bright and wonderful things on your horizon.
Travis: I know that. I want you to admit it. Your actions prove you hate me. Tell me the truth I hate you, say it. I want the truth just once and then tell me why you hate me and desire to ruin my life. Why do you only try to harm me. I have sacrificed so much for you. I have taken so much heat for you and defended you, defended the lies you told others with the lies you told me.
Jodi: I’m sorry Travis.
Travis: I gave you anything I could I sacrificed everything I could and you just tried to murder me from the inside out. How could you.
Jodi: It wasn’t really my intention to harm you. Please understand that.
Travis: You are so concerned with how many tears I’ve cried. You don’t know what horror you have caused me. You can not conceive you have not felt as much pain in all your life than what you have repeatedly caused me with your lies and your invasions and the psycho shit you have subjected me to. You have made me want to die on countless occasions. You have hurt me so bad over and over again and how do you repay me forgiving you by doing the same thing again. Couldnt you ever try to love me. You never saw me of more value as a piece of shit unless I was serving some purpose to you. I am less than nothing to you.
Jodi: I really did love you. But I let it get so distorted. I’m so so so sorry. I have no excuse. None.
Travis: Say the truth.
Jodi: I just wish you weren’t hurting right now.
Travis: I am shit to you. It would be the first true thing you have ever said to me.
Jodi: I wish that’s all you were to me. I try to tell myself that everyday. That you mean NOTHING. And everytime a feeling starts to creep back in I suppress it and I tell myself that you are worthless to me. I’m so sorry, I really am. You deserve so much more that the crap I’ve given to you. You deserve a wealth that is beyond this world. And I deserve a pile of shit for what I’ve done to my friend.
Travis: If I do why do you only try to harm me.
Jodi: I don’t want to care about you.
Travis: You don’t care.
Jodi: I don’t want to care about you at all.
Travis: Just be honest.
Jodi: If I didn’t care, I wouldn’t hurt and you wouldn’t have gotten hurt.
Travis: Just quit lying. Can’t you quit. All you have ever done is lie. You have only told partial truths to cover up lies. Don’t you see. You are why your life sucks. It’s your lies. Just tell the truth. Write something you stupid idiot. Wow.
Jodi: I may be a liar, I may be whore, I may be evil, I may be a coward, I may not be worth the air that I breathe, I am most like the most horrible person you’ve ever had the misfortune of knowing, but one thing I am NOT, is violent. I did not and would not and would never slash your tires.
Travis: Wow wow wow. You are something else. You are comical.
Jodi: Nor did I have anything to do with that. I didn’t and I wouldn’t.
Travis: You are a laughing stock. After all I have done. How could you be the way you’ve been to me. How. I want an answer. NOW!!
Jodi: I don’t have answer. I don’t know why. I hurt too.
Travis: Let me tell you why.
Jodi: I guess maybe it was just my way of trying to renounce you.
Travis: Because you only care about Jodi.
Jodi: I acted immature. I acted stupid.
Travis: You don’t care about me.
Jodi: I shouldn’t have gone about it that way.
Travis: That’s why.
Jodi: What can I really say though? “I agree” ??
Travis: You can tell the truth. Tell it. Once. You slashed the F’ing tires. You did. I know you did. You are a liar. You don’t care either. Don’t you see your lies is why your life is worthless. It will always be until you tell the truth. You have got to learn. Can you learn. If not you are taking up people air. You are freaking pathetic. That is what took you so long to write.
Jodi: Well it would have been done sooner but I was watching you type.
Travis: You said you were almost done and you lied again.
Travis: You are worthless. You are shit. Can’t you tell the truth. Is it impossible. Seriously. Is it impossible. I loved someone that never existed. What I thought was real never even existed. Finish your utterly worthless email. Where is it. You said it was almost done. Can’t you tell the truth. I know you got into my computer and erased a letter I sent to Lisa. I know you did.
Jodi: What!? No.
Travis: Shut up. Shut up. I don’t want more lies. You stole my journals. You slashed my tires and I know it. I know it. Why continue lying. Don’t you ever want to tell the truth. Ever. You never have. Is there any desire, any at all.
Jodi: I can’t send the email.
Travis: Why not bitch. I have waited.
Jodi: It’s not letting me put your address in the recipient bar.
Travis: And now you tell me no copy it how freaking convenient. Did you ever even write one.
Jodi: Ok, I figured it out.
Travis: That is your email. Who freaking cares about you.
Jodi: I’m a full-time bartender now a Mexican restaurant.
Travis: You think I care about your sob story after what you have done to me.
Travis: A bartender. Perfect.
Jodi: It’s not a sob story.
Travis: A slut’s job. Maybe you can’t get tips for BJ’s. Oh I’m sure you can. You are good at that.
Jodi: Yeah, according to what you’ve said, I’ve had that care paid off in one shift with vacation money to spare. Maybe I can use you as a reference.
Travis: Yeah you are 3 hole wonder. You are good for something and always have been. You have never given out the truth for truth’s sake. You have never. How must it be to be solely a liar. Nothing else.
Travis: To live a life identical to satan and you after everything send some bullshit thing down the pipe as you log into my facebook. You are a rotten lunatic.
Jodi: What does that mean???
Travis: Can’t you remember when you choose to take away my human rights what I have done for you. Can’t all the things I have done to help you stop you from taking away what belongs to me. How can you be such an ingrate. How many times can someone pay some one for service by stabbing them in the back. How do you live. How does a heart beat in such a corrupted carcass. Your email obviously wasn’t almost finished, another lie. Do you know how to tell the truth. Are you capable of it. Have you ever, ever in your life when you have had the temptation to lie have you ever resisted it and told the truth, even once. Of course not, your parents must be proud.
Jodi: They’re not proud of me.
Travis: They shouldn’t be.
Jodi: They didn’t even come to watch me sing even though the rest of my family did. Not that you care, but that’s just to illustrate how much they’re not proud.
Travis: Miss high class serve can’t even get a job at a freaking dine. Even when you say you are telling the truth you are lying. Even when you come clean it is a partial version of the truth to serve your purpose. You have been nothing but a liar from the beginning. You are evil. If I was it is gone because of you. Send your piece of shit lie fest so I can mock it. We already know based on all the last emails you sent and then invaded my privacy that it is bullshit.
Jodi: Look, I don’t want to be like this.
Travis: You are like this.
Jodi: I know.
Travis: Like I said I have never dealt with a more solid form of evil.
Jodi: I don’t know what to do. I really am sorry for everything. I know you don’t want apologies. I don’t what to say.
Travis: You are not sorry. What I want is for you to quit blatantly lying. We both know by your actions that view me as pure shit.
Jodi: Can I just send the email? I’m almost finished…
Travis: Pure freaking shit.
Jodi: No, Travis.
Travis: Your email is shit too.
Jodi: One day, it’ll be clear.
Travis: I hate you.
Jodi: I’ve acted so wrong.
Travis: Do realize that. I hate you so much. You have been more cause of pain than the death of my father. You are relentless in your torture of people that have loved you and protected and served you and what do you do. You try to destroy them. You are a the lowest of low. You are sick and evil and knowing you makes me want to kill myself in punishment. I’m so stupid. I don’t even know if you are human. Hitler had more of conscience than you.
Jodi: I am so, so sorry. If anyone should it is me. You are light unto this world. I can’t even compare.
Travis: Shut up. Just shut up.
Jodi: Only you would say that. Anyone else would see it for what it is: an Anchorman joke. I was just giving him a hard time for showing off and being such a ham. You and I had a conversation about his Facebook pics and their content. I was just razzing him.
Travis: No you were flirting with him and you know better. It’s Danny Jones. Maybe you are just onto the next dick and he is an easy target.
Jodi: His temperature is cold when it comes to that.
Travis: So you have checked it then? What a freaking whore. You are too much. Maybe Kyle Kimbrell then.
Jodi: It’s based off of a vibe I got at Systems many many months ago. I tried having a conversation with him, and he was cordial, but never flirty or anything like it.
Travis: I’m glad to see you are checking the vibe of Danny Jones you must feel so classy, yet you flirt anyways.
Jodi: Like you, I flirt because it’s “harmless”, means nothing”, and there are “no intentions” behing it.
Travis: Don’t freaking ignore me.
Jodi: I’m emailing you!
Travis: And don’t send me some worthless email with all your bogus lies. You don’t know how to tell the truth.
Jodi: Ok Travis. What do you want me to do?
Travis: Your words are worthless. In everything you throw at me it’s all an agenda to save your own ass just like that disgusting call today. Have you forgotten what is like to be a human.
Jodi: Perhaps.
Travis: Have you forgotten that you are dealing with humans.
Jodi: No.
Travis: And by the way your little comment to Danny Jones makes you look like a cheap whore.

See also Notes on the May 26 Gmail chat