Gmail Chat May 26

Note : see here for an edited. cleaned up version.

From: Travis Alexander travis.alexander@gmail.com
To: jodiarias@gmail.com
Me: Ok
Travis: I don’t want bull shiz that neither one of us believe
Travis: just call me and tell me
Travis: I want to hear it
Travis: because I feel it will be the first pue truth you’ve ever told me
Travis: pure
Me: this is difficult. It will only piss you off even more
Travis: why
Me: Because sometimes the truth suck!
Me: s
Travis: call
Me: call you?
Travis: yes
Travis: and tel me
Me: right now?
Travis: yes
Me: deal
Travis: but say it
Travis: right
Travis: right
Travis: right
Travis: hello
Travis: Jodi?
Me: I’m here
Travis: right
Me: right
Travis: so lets wuit with the bull shiz
Me: ok
Travis: all of that talk has happened many times and it has never changed anything
Travis: so lets quit with it
Travis: ur not sorry
Travis: im okay with that if ypull admit it
Travis: it should be libersting to you
Travis: liberating
Travis: right?
Travis: right
Travis: rigjt
Travis: am I talking to myself
Me: no
Travis: why cant you respons
Me: you’re not talking to yourself
Travis: what is taking you so long
Me: I reading what you mssaged me on Facebook
Me: I didn’t know you were chatting w/me there.
Travis: oh well
Travis: so are we clear
Me: Yes
Travis: so tell me the tuth
Travis: tell me that you are not sory
Me: I can’t just say it as a blanket statement like that. It’s too convoluted. It’s not black and white
Travis: and be specific
Travis: okay well say it with details
Travis: okay
Travis: so
Travis: what your point
Me: My point is that all of the things you said when you were playing the tough Travis is true.
Travis: I know they ae
Travis: are
Me: So there is really no point in me continuing to breathe. And that’s not a poor-me cry for sympathy.
Travis: listen
Travis: weve been over this
Travis: right
Travis: might as well just give ut up
Travis: okay?
Me: ok
Travis: so are we done with all the pretenses
Travis: no more faking soy no more faking like im throught with you
Travis: through
Travis: sorry
Travis: my r’s arent working
Me: Travis, in the most non-pretentious way, you are like an angel that gets snared by my evil influences. But I, too, am like an angel that gets ensnared by evil influences. And along I come, looking like an angel, speaking sweetly, acting nicely, pleasing you in ways you had only fantasized and of course it’s easy to get caught up in that. I
Travis: well?
Travis: it will save us alot of time and energy
Travis: ur not sorry so quit apologizing
Travis: and that way I can quit forgiving
Travis: deal
Me: umm… ok?
Me: I just don’t want you to be miserable anymore.
Travis: u dont care Jodi
Me: I only contribute to the misery factor in your life.
Travis: just stop
Travis: its ok
Travis: I serve a purpose of yours
Travis: whateve it is
Travis: thats fine
Me: Then what do you want me to say? Whatever the purpose is, I don’t understand it. I’ve tried to figure it out. It’s not marriage, it’s not sex
Travis: I thought I might break away this time but you knew I couldnt
Me: I’ve proven that it’s not friendship
Me: Violated that one plenty of times
Travis: you knew one call and youd reel me in
Travis: you dont care Jodi
Travis: just say this Im not sorry
Me: I don’t ever dare to hope for that at this point
Travis: and Ill be okay with it
Me: Ok, maybe a spark of a dare
Travis: I’m not saying its friendship
Travis: it it what it is
Travis: no reason to label it
Travis: lets just quit with it all
Travis: if you want to sneak around just tell me what you want and Ill give it to you
Travis: youll get it anyway
Travis: then ill yell
Travis: and then forgive
Travis: why go through all that
Travis: it was
Travis: the email and everything as true as it was
Travis: was my way of getting you closer
Travis: because I am addicted
Travis: you are ruining my life but Im addicted
Travis: so thats fine
Travis: ruin it
Travis: but lets not hide behind the facad
Travis: just do what you intend to do
Travis: im am going to quit acting tough
Travis: you know its my own façade
Travis: anyway
Travis: so ill quit with mine
Travis: now you quit with yours
Me: honestly, aside from what I wanted to say, it was me that wanted to hear your voice just once. It’s like a little fix. You’re not the only one addicted.
Travis: well lets just ruin each others life then
Travis: I dont care anymore
Travis: if you want my freaking passwords just ask
Me: Because I’m horrible
Travis: what ever you may have found it wasnt bad enough to deter you from whatever your purpose is so who feaking cares
Travis: im just tired of all of this
Travis: its killing me
Travis: seriously I cant stand it
Travis: I can t keep up with this cycle
Travis: so lets cut out the act
Travis: so there
Travis: its out
Travis: lets just quit with the pretense
Travis: I trued to stay away this time
Me: No. I don’t want to hurt you anymore. Bless you for your forgiveness, but you deserve better, and I don’t deserve you.
Travis: but you called
Travis: and you made sure I heard your voice
Travis: u knew that would be enough
Travis: not how many infractions
Travis: Its obvious by anyones reason that I should have never have anything to do with you
Travis: you just kill me
Travis: every time
Travis: and I keep taking you back
Travis: I hqve come to terms with it
Travis: I am in partial addicted to you
Travis: the positives
Travis: if all you were is positive
Travis: or your good facd that is in fact an act
Travis: im addicted to it
Travis: but its bull shit
Me: well there aren’t any positives left now, so you won’t be addicted much longer.
Travis: yet im addicted to it
Travis: and you know it
Travis: and you know li will take you back
Travis: and always know
Travis: you know ill get pissed but ill take you back
Travis: you know if you just equal the drama with my anger ill take you back
Travis: and thats why you dont hesitate to keep on ruining me
Me: I wish I were better
Travis: because you know you can
Travis: and youll get away with it
Travis: you know it
Me: I don’t want to
Travis: okay Jodi you win
Travis: im addicted
Travis: I know how this is gonna unfold already
Travis: im gonna forgive you and you are gonna do it again
Travis: I know that
Travis: and I am gonna forgive you
Travis: and you are gonna do it again
Travis: I know it
Travis: why cant you reward me for trusting in you over and over again
Me: Because there is no excuse for me to be alive
Travis: I want a real answer
Me: I don’t deserve any rewards
Travis: u dont
Travis: I want a real answer
Me: I don’t have an answer. I really am awful. Truly. Can’t you agree that that’s the truest thing I’ve typed thus far?
Travis: please Jodi
Travis: why
Travis: what was your reasoning
Travis: why did you try to cover it up afte I told you I knew
Travis: why do you always li
Travis: e
Travis: this isnt fair to me
Travis: please
Travis: dont you see
Travis: the pattern
Travis: you do something to make any sane person shun you
Travis: what do I do I for give you
Travis: I lash you and forgive
Travis: then you do it again
Travis: I talk tough and forgive
Travis: you do it again
Travis: I talk tougher and still for give
Travis: this has happened about 30 times
Travis: thats how many times youve been caught
Me: Just because I’m not whorring around doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t act any different. I need to keep myself out of that situation.
Me: Which of course isn’t a problem at this point
Travis: so have messed around with anyone else
Me: You’re the last person I’ve ever been intimate with.
Travis: nut youd like to with someone else wouldn’t you
Travis: but
Me: My sex drive is gone.
Travis: i doubt that
Me: I haven[t dittled myself once since I moved here except for the times when we were on the phone and we did it together
Travis: well it didnt seem to be a problem on the phone
Me: Of course not. That’s the affect you have. Nobody else can do that. Absolute kryptonite. I don’t want to be a whore. I could joke that if being a whore for Travis is wrong then I don’t wanna be right. But this isn’t the time for jokes. I’ve bee a bad influence
Travis: like I said im not mad about that
Me: I know Travis
Travis: why did you get in my facebook
Travis: after all of thos
Travis: these times I have forgiven you
Me: Because I suck
Me: the sexual part for me was an unevolved way of trying to be more loved. I knew you weren’t in love with me. I knew you cared, but that it wasn’t that kind of love. So when we made love, I was able to actually convince myself, yes lie to myself. It really felt for that space of time that it was something bigger and better. But that’s the intoxication felt from sex. And you made it so good. You became another person. It’s like you nearly worshipped me. I felt sooo so so loved when we did that. It became absolutely addicting.
Me: But you weren’t just a piece of meat.
Me: Either way, that doesn’t speak for the way I’ve treated you outside of your bedroom.
Travis: no ill admit you were noble in the sack
Travis: but its because it seved you to be
Me: I know. The better I was, the more you wanted me, and the more you wanted me, the more we got to be together.
Me: I was a whore for you because I was whore for that feeling.
Me: I was whore in general and I still am.
Travis: and you like being a whoe
Travis: whore
Travis: unless you could get something sexual from me
Travis: but outside of that nothing else about is worth anything to you
Travis: and how do I know
Travis: because your actions speak it loud and clear
Travis: and you have nothing to say in eply
Me: Everything I feel moved to say wouldn’t hold an ounce of weight with you.
Me: But what I was going to say is this
Me: So I guess that means that at the core I’m not sorry.
Me: But I still struggle with guilt and regret over it.
Travis: ur not sorry for invading my privacy either
Travis: but atleast I know whee my value to youis
Travis: and its not much more than that
Travis: I was a source of pleasure
Travis: thats it
Travis: nothing else
Travis: at the core I dont think you cae if I live or die
Travis: i really dont
Travis: the pain u have caused is wose than death
Travis: at times
Travis: i thought you were something that you were not
Travis: you scamed me
Travis: and you knew you were scaming me
Travis: I think you would choose a dollar bill over my life
Travis: its the other stuff that is blatant lies that I have a problem with
Travis: ur not sorry
Travis: u know ur not
Travis: so why say it
Travis: u know ur not sorry
Travis: if I was there ud prove how not sorry u r
Travis: so lets just leave it at that
Me: If you were here, I don’t know. But you’re not here and I’m not there, and we’re behaving ourselves.
Me: I get so caught up in wanting to do the right thing
Me: And then when you come around I want to do a different version of the “right thing” and it may be a two-way
Me: street, but I
Me: nevermind. We shouldn’t even be discussing this.
Me: I don’t know what else to say.
Travis: say ur not sory for it
Me: Part of me is glad that we did that. Is it wrong to feel that way?
Me: Don’t answer.
Travis: I dont know
Me: it is
Travis: but ur not sorry
Travis: I know ur not
Me: it is a struggle inside of me. I want to take the high road, but the selfish part of me wants to take you and if you were here and the opportunity presented itself then I most likely would.
Travis: I think you are just demented and some how thought taking from me some how benefit you.
Me: Speaking of taking
Travis: I think I was little more than a dildo with ah eart beat to you
Me: I would have been content just cuddling, but I wasn’t strong enouh.
Me: Again I am so sorry for that.
Me: I was way overcome.
Travis: no your not
Me: It was wrong
Travis: I know your not
Travis: I ask that you not lie
Travis: you ae not sorry
Travis: youre not
Travis: I don’t ask that you be sorry
Travis: I ask that you don’t lie
Travis: youre not sorry
Travis: and I dont care
Travis: im okay with you not being sorry about that
Travis: its me too
Me: Yeah, but it was more me
Me: I should’ve been better
Travis: theny why
Travis: why did you try to ruin me
Travis: why
Travis: just tell me why
Travis: u aren’t who u say you ae
Travis: so tell me why
Travis: even now you only talk but your actions show that you hate me
Travis: even right now
Me: I don’t know what you mean by ruin you? I would never deliberately set out to do that. I was bitter, yes, but I tried to be a big girl in other ways: by lending you my few hundred dollars when your re-fi depended on it, by giving you a membership that would have taken me out of chargebacks, by devoting time to pushing through those last few counters at the last hours of the month so you would qualify. It was an endless struggle. I was resentful for other things, but I’ve always wanted you to succeed. I haven’t deliberately set out to try and ruin you. I am so sorry for what I’ve done.
Me: Those nice things listed above don’t even begin to add up to
Me: counter balance the horrible things I’ve done.
Me: It should have all been different. It’s my fault.
Me: I am 100% responsible for this
Travis: you did those thin to reel me in
Travis: it was about you
Travis: why did you manipulate me into loving you
Travis: why me
Travis: I was a good guy
Travis: why did you have to do it to me
Travis: why do you hat eme
Travis: me
Travis: what was ur objective
Me: There have been times when you’ve screamed into the phone so loud at me that the speaker was distorted and then you hung up. The pain was so sharp and so deep that I just couldn’t process it. I could only scream in response to the air. And I would scream at the top of my lungs until my throat was raw, “I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!” Until I had no energy left to say it and it had wittled down to a little whimp, “…I hate you…” And I just sobbed and cried until I couldn’t breathe.
Me: But you know what? I deserved all of that. Every angry phone call. Every unpleasant word.
Travis: what was the point
Me: doesn’t compare to what I’ve put you through
Me: It doesn’t begin to measure up.
Me: I’ve done you more wrong and that is apparent without even keeping score.
Travis: you only showed that you hated me
Travis: never love
Travis: only hate
Travis: ur words were lies
Me: I did try, but I didn’t try hard enough.
Travis: your actions were truths
Travis: no
Travis: u didn’t ty
Travis: what you did to me wasn’t tying to love
Travis: it was succeeding to hate
Travis: cant you just tell the truth
Travis: please
Me: Yes, I just became so resentful. It was all very selfish. An act to try to protect myself from the pain
but it didn’t work. I didn’t want to hurt you either. I am so sorry.
Travis: so many times I have stared you in the eye and said if you ever had any love for me youll tell me
truth right now and youd look straight into my eyes and lie
Travis: and I knew it
Me: If it was unconditional love, it would have never hurt you
Me: I’m just not worth it. I’m not.
Me: You have so many bright and wonderful things on your horizon.
Travis: I know that
Travis: I want you to admit it
Travis: your actions prove you hate me
Travis: tell me the truth I hate you
Travis: say it
Travis: I want the truth just once
Travis: and then tell me why you hate me and desire to ruin my life
Travis: why do you only try to ham me
Travis: ive have sacrificed so much for you
Travis: I have taken so much heat for you
Travis: and dfended you
Travis: defended the lies you told others with the lies you told me
Me: I’m sorry Travis
Travis: I gave you anything I could I sacrificed everything I could and you just tried to muder me from the inside out
Travis: how could you
Me: It wasn’t really my intention to harm you
Me: Please understand that
Travis: you ae so concerned with how many tears ive cried
Travis: you don’t know what horror you have caused me
Travis: you can not conceive
Travis: you have not felt as much pain in all your life than what you have repeatedly caused me with your lies and your invasions and the psycho shit you have subjected me to
Travis: you have made me want to die
Travis: on countless occasions
Travis: you have hurt me so bad over and over again
Travis: and how do you repay me forgiving you by doing the same thing again
Travis: couldnt you ever try to love me
Travis: u never saw me of more value as a piece of shit unless I was serving some purpose to you
Travis: I am less than nothing to you
Me: I really did love you. But I let it get so distorted.
Me: I’m so so so sorry
Me: I have no excuse
Me: none
Travis: say the truth
Me: I just wish you weren’t hurting right now.
Travis: I am shit to you
Travis: it would be the first true thing you have ever said to me
Me: I wish that’s all you were to me. I try to tell myself that everyday. That you mean NOTHING. And everytime a
Me: feeling starts to creep back in I suppress it
Me: and I tell myself that you are worthles to me
Me: I’m so sorry,
Me: I really am.
Me: You deserve so much more that the crap I’ve given to you
Me: You deserve a wealth that is beyond this world.
Me: And I deserve a pile of shit for what I’ve done to my friend
Travis: if I do why do you only try to harm me
Travis: u
Me: I don’t want to care about you
Travis: dont
Travis: csare
Travis: you dont care
Me: I don’t want to care about you at all.
Travis: just be honest
Me: It I didn’t care, I would n’t hurt and you wouldn’t have gotten hur
Me: t
Travis: just quit lying
Travis: quit
Travis: cant u quit
Travis: all u have ever done is lie
Travis: you have only told partial truths to cover up lies
Travis: dont you see
Travis: u are why ur life sucks
Travis: its ur lies
Travis: just tell the truth
Travis: write something you stupid idiot
Travis: wow
Me: I may be a liar, I may be whore, I may be evil, I may be a coward, I may not be worth the air that I breathe, I am most like the most horrible person you’ve ever had the misfortune of knowing, but one thing I am NOT, is violent. I did not and would not and would never slash your tires.
Travis: wow wow wow
Travis: u r something else
Travis: u r comical
Me: Nor did I have anything to do with that. I didn’t and I wouldn’t.
Travis: u r a laughing stock
Travis: after all I have done
Travis: how could you be the way youve been to me
Travis: how
Travis: I want an answer
Travis: NOW!!
Me: I don’t have answer
Me: I don’t know why
Me: I hurt too
Travis: let me tell you wy
Me: I guess maybe it was just my way of trying to renounce you
Travis: because you only care about Jodi
Me: I acted immature
Me: I acted stupid
Travis: u don’t care about me
Me: I shouldn’t have gone about it that way
Travis: thats why
Me: What can I really say though?
Me: “I agree” ??
Travis: u can tell the truth
Travis: tell it
Travis: once
Travis: u slashed the Fing tires
Travis: u did
Travis: I know u did
Travis: u r a liar
Travis: u dont care either
Travis: dont you see your lies is why youir life is worthless
Travis: it will always be intil you tell the truth
Travis: you have got to learn
Travis: can u learn
Travis: if not
Travis: you are taking up people air
Travis: ur freaking pathetic
Travis: that is what took u so long to write
Me: Well it would have been done sooner but I was watching you type
Travis: u said u wee almost done and you lied again
Travis: u r worthless
Travis: u r shit
Travis: cant you tell the truth
Travis: is it impossible
Travis: seriously
Travis: is it impossible
Travis: I loved someone that never existed
Travis: what I thought was real never even existed
Travis: finish your utterly worthless email
Travis: where is it
Travis: u sasid it was almost done
Travis: cant you tell the truth
Travis: I know you got into my computer and erased a letter I sent to Lisa
Travis: I know you did
Me: What!?
Me: No
Travis: shut up
Travis: shut up
Travis: I dont want more lies
Travis: u stole my journals
Travis: you slashed my tires
Travis: and I know it
Travis: I know it
Travis: why continue lying
Travis: dont you ever want to tell the truth
Travis: ever
Travis: u never have
Travis: is there any desire
Travis: any
Me: I can’t send the email
Travis: at all
Travis: why not
Travis: bitch
Travis: I have waited
Me: it’s not letting me put your address in the recipient bar
Travis: and now you tell me no
Travis: copy it how freaking conveinant
Travis: did you ever even write one
Me: Ok, I figured it out
Travis: that is ur email
Travis: who freaking cares about you
Me: I’m a full time bartender now a Mexican restaurant
Travis: u think I care about ur sob story after what u have done to me
Travis: a bartend
Travis: r
Travis: perfect
Me: Its not a sobe story
Travis: a sluts joc
Travis: b
Travis: maybe you cant get tips for BJ’s
Travis: oh im sure you can
Travis: u r good at that
Me: Yeah, according to what you’ve said, I’ve had that care paid off in one shift with vacation money to spare.
Me: Maybe I can use you as a reference.
Travis: yeah you are 3 hole wonder
Travis: you are good for something
Travis: and always have been
Travis: u have never given out the truth for truths sake
Travis: u have never
Travis: how must it be to be solely a liar
Travis: nothing else
Travis: to live a life identical to satan
Travis: and you after everything send some bullshit thing down the pipe as you log into my facebook
Travis: you are a rotten lunatic
Me: What does that mean???
Travis: cant you remember when you choose yo take away my human rights what I have done for you
Travis: cant all the things I have done to help you stop you from taking away what belongs to me
Travis: how can you be such an ingrate
Travis: how many times can someone pay some one for service by stabbing them in the back
Travis: how do you live
Travis: how does a heartbeat in such a corupted carcass
Travis: ur email obviously wasnt almost finished another lie
Travis: do u know how to tell the truth
Travis: r u capable of it
Travis: have u ever
Travis: ever in ur life
Travis: when you have had the temptation to lie have you ever resisted it and told the truth
Travis: even once
Travis: ofcourse not
Travis: ur parents must be proud
Me: They’re not proud of me
Travis: they shouldnt be
Me: they didn’t even come to watch me sing even though the rest of my family did. Not that you care, but that’s just to illustrate how much they’re not proud.
Travis: miss high class serve cant even get a job at a freakin dine
Travis: even when you say u are telling the tuth you are lying
Travis: even when u come clean it is a partial version of the truth to serve your purpose
Travis: you have been nothing but a liar from the beginning
Travis: u r evil
Travis: if Iwas
Travis: it is gone because of you
Travis: send your piece of shit lie fest so I can mock it
Travis: we already know based on all the last emails you sent and then invaded my privacy that it is bullshit
Me: look, I don’t want to be like this.
Travis: you ae like this
Me: I know
Travis: like I said I have neve dealt with a more solid form of eveil
Me: I don’t know what to do
Me: I really am sorry for everything.
Me: I know you don’t want apologies.
Me: I don’t what to say.
Travis: you are not sorry
Travis: what I want is for you to quit blatantly lying
Travis: we both know by your actions that view me as pue shit
Me: Can I just send the email? I’m almost finished…
Travis: pure freaking shit
Me: No, Travis
Travis: ur email is shit too
Me: One day, it’ll be clear.
Travis: I hate you
Me: I’ve acted so wrong.
Travis: do realize that
Travis: I hate you
Travis: so much
Travis: you have been more cause of pain than the death of my father
Travis: you are relentless in your torture of people that have loved you and protected and served you and what do you do
Travis: you try to detroy them
Travis: you are a the lowest of low
Travis: you are sick and evil and knowing you makes me want to kill myself in punishment
Travis: im so stupid
Travis: I don’t even know if u r human
Travis: hitler had more of conscious
Me: I am so, so sorry. If anyone should it is me. You are light unto this world. I can’t even compare.
Travis: than you
Travis: shut up
Travis: just shut up
Me: Only you would say that. Anyone else would see it for what it is: an Anchorman joke. I was just giving him a hard time for showing off and being such a ham. You and I had a conversation about his Facebook pics and their content. I was just razzing him.
Travis: no you were flirting with him and you know better
Travis: its danny jones
Travis: maybe u are just onto the next dick
Travis: and he is an easy target
Me: His temperature is cold when it comes to that
Travis: so you have checked it then
Travis: what a freaking whore
Travis: u r too much
Travis: maybe kyle kimbrell then
Me: It’s based off of a vibe I got at Systems many many months ago
Me: I tried having a conversation with him, and he was cordial, but never flirty or anything like it.
Travis: im glad to see you are checking the vibe of danny jones you must feel so classy
Travis: yet you flit anyways
Me: Like you, I flirt because it’s “harmless”, means nothing”, and there are “no intentions” behing it
Travis: dont freaking ignore me
Me: I’m emailing you!
Travis: and don’t send me some worthless email with all your bogus lies
Travis: you don’t know how to tell the truth
Me: Ok Travis. What do you want me to do?
Travis: ur words are worthless
Travis: in everything you throw at me its all on agenda to save ur own ass
Travis: just like that disgusting call today
Travis: have you forgotten what is like to be a human
Me: Perhaps.
Travis: have you forgotten that you are dealing with humans
Me: no
Travis: and by the way your little comment to Danny Jones makes you look like a cheap whore