Jodi’s diary February 1, 2008

JodiDiary1Feb2008I`m trying very hard not to be in a state of blame right now, but if it weren’t for Travis borrowing all of my money, I`d be in San Diego tonight. I spent $40 on two super Saturday tickets to see Jeff Olson (ph) and visit with my friends that I miss very much, but I’ve been squeezed dry and then some because of him.

I drained my checking account to put money into his and then was hit with tons of fees, fees that he isn’t going to pay, $96 worth. And he has the nerve to tell me to balance my checkbook. Nay, he didn`t just tell me that, he screamed it at me, and then proceeded to say that he wants to get a gun and put it to his head and pull the trigger.

I was crying because it distresses me to see him like that and because I know all too well and first-hand what it is like to be where he is [See Note 1].So it was with great compassion that I calmly, sweetly, to my best ability, soothingly told him that everything was going to be all right, that, like always, this, too, shall pass, that I promise everything will be worth it in the end.

I wanted to soothe away his worries. He was under more stress than I had ever seen him. He was really despairing today. I lended him another $80. I went to the bank for him to deposit it into his account since he said he doesn’t want to step foot in that bank again today. By the time we had parted, things seemed a little better.

True, I could just marry Travis, but as wonderful a guy as he is, I just don`t think we are quite right for each other. I’m a little too sensitive. Although I prefer to think of it as Christ-like. And he is a little too rough around the edges although it is nearly impossible to imagine my life without him right now, he is amazing and he can cheer me up in a snap by singing me songs and holding me close. I like it when we cuddle. That`s the very best. On my bad days he brings me up, but I fear I rely on him too much for that sometimes. He is way too stressed in his own issues. He invariably suggests that we both distress by, well, being naughty. And although it is a temporary relief I think it is causing more problems. Besides, if it is something that I can`t tell my bishop then I probably shouldn’t be doing it.

Well, today was interesting to say the least. Highs and lows. Travis was obscenely mean to me, but then he was extremely sweet and apologetic.It`s easy to forgive him when I remember who he is, who I am, and who we all really are, which is divine offspring, children of God.

He`s so hard to say no to. We totally made out afterward. But he was so sweet and kind and attentive the entire rest of the night. It was a long drive back from Las Vegas. Travis was being extremely impatient, but eventually he got over it. So I raced home, freshened up, and headed over there with tootsy pops. He makes me want to be so naughty. And naughty we were. We went all the way again. It was different this time. He was different. He was tender and sweet and loving. He said he had been planning and hoping for this. He said he wanted to savor the moment and make it last as long as possible. He asked me if I felt guilty and I said yes. Then he told me he wanted this because he wanted us to always have something special. Perhaps it was like closure for both of us.

Well, speaking of Travis, he frustrates me and thrills me. I love, love, love him. And he sings to me, goes out of his way for me, displays massive amounts of unconditional love for me in countless ways. I`m almost haunted by it.

But it still remains that I can`t marry him. I can`t quite put my finger on it, but something is just off with that boy. We’ve all got head problems. That`s for sure. But there are certain things that will never sit right with me about him. For example, he always makes that ridiculous, Joke families can be forever, why do you want to spend so much time with them now? I abhor that. I want a family man, a man who takes family seriously. I know he jokes, but that drives me crazy and it`s a big turnoff.

But he has told me time and again that if he could marry me, it would mean he`d won the wife lottery. Smiley face. That`s sweet, actually. I know I`ll be an excellent wife. In fact, I really want that. I want to be married. I want to have a companion.

Travis is awesome, no doubt, but there`s just something that is off. I only know what the spirit whispers to me, and that is that he`s not the one. Frowny face. I`ve spent over a year of my life cultivating a relationship with him. I certainly wasn’t thrilled. No, I was devastated when I discovered that he wasn’t being faithful to me.

I just don`t get why men cheat — Bobby, Matt, Travis. Darrell was always faithful, to my knowledge. He said once that he`s never had a problem with monogamy. And I believe him because I never had that awful intuitive feeling that his eyes, heart and hands were wandering the way I did with those other three. It is a subtle feeling, but it doesn`t go away. It nags. It pulls at the solar plexus until it is justified through the discovery of ugly hidden truths.

Infidelity is so awful and causes ridiculous pain. Each time, the transgressor seemed grieved that I got hurt. Actually, not true. Travis seemed mildly remorseful, but that was it.

I`m going to stop writing about this right now. It is of no benefit, but I could just rip out the last few pages, but I`ll refrain from doing that.
The problem with Travis is that he`s so used to girls falling all over themselves for him, and she” — Mimi (ph) — “doesn`t do that. He needs that. I really think he does.

Note 1: Jodi testified this was a reference to suicidal thoughts she had on 26 August 2007