Travis Letter


Update 12 Nov 2015: it seems this letter was forged by Jodi, according to Kirk Nurmi.

Note: the letter is dated 21 Jan 2007, this should be 21 Jan 2008. It was not allowed into evidence, as the original was not available ( for reasons that are unknown – perhaps Travis asked for them back but Jodi kept copies? ).


Please give me a chance to explain what you saw. I know it looks bad and honestly it is. Your probably the only person on the planet who has the capacity to understand and the compassion to even try.  This goes back years.  I have desires I can’t explain. What is worse is I’ve acted on those desires.

I have hurt children because of urges I can’t control.  I can’t help it. I know it’s pure evil but I can’t stop. I’ve prayed about it repeatedly, I’ve gotten a blessing, but nothing helps. I have gone to my bishop but I cannot tell him directly about it for obvious reasons. I had “toys” in the attic which is I never let you up there to clean.

Even after I said I was done I didn’t get rid of them right away because I thought what if? What if I might need them again? I finally donated them. Enough is enough. I want to stop and at times I think I can. Other times it feels like I’ll never be able to. I can only imagine that it’s like a drug problem.

I worry about getting married. I worry that my wife won’t suffice. I worry about having kids. What if I have to adopt? If they are not my seed will it be too easy? I’m scared to be alone with a boy.  I get unwanted thoughts and I don’t want to act on them. It’s true, kids can get annoying but the truth is I’m scared to be alone with them.

I worry about going to the Hughes in the future because Ryell is getting close to that age. It would be so easy.

I know you think this is sick. I am sick. I’ve had sex with boys and I don’t know if they’ll ever get past what I’ve done. The truth is I fucking hate myself! I want to kill myself! I want to blow my fucking head off! Sometimes I can’t stand being alive. I’m sorry you had to see what you saw.

Honestly you’ve helped me on several occasions without even knowing it. You’ve been an outlet frustrations via the fantasy enactments. It’s one of the reasons I like anal sex so much. It’s the reason for the boys underwear. Don’t get me wrong I’m not gay. I’m not a fag. I’ve just had this inside me. And when I’m getting it from girls I desire boys less. I know this is evil. But this is not who I am nor who I am becoming.

Jodi I don’t want to be labeled a pedophile or a child molester. Do you understand what I am saying? Please just call me. I need to know that I can trust you. I know I can trust you. I’ll tell you everything. Just call me. You have never judged me before. Please do not judge me now. Just call me when your done reading this.


See also Matt McCartney and the Travis Letters

Note on the authenticity of the letters:”His own expert did not say those letters were forged,” Nurmi said. Instead, Nurmi claimed, the expert only said they could not be authenticated because they were copies.

The PIO lied pre-trial, telling reporter David Lohr that the letters were proven forgeries:

See sexual attraction to children for the evidence on this issue that was admitted.